The challenge of the evolving narrative
This website building process is much more challenging than I would have imagined. I have wanted to share my story for so long and perhaps what I am facing now is why it has taken being forced to do it, to actually do it.
The challenge that I am experiencing comes from my website’s material. It is personal. Posting diary entries to the world, with the expectation they are polished, fluid, politically correct and benevolent. The lessons accumulated in my life are the content and it is not so simple to reach from within and pull out a formulated text with purpose each week, sometimes multiple times a week.
Initially when entertaining the idea to post about my story; my insecurities, barriers, and even triumphs I had not considered that these are changing narratives. With each podcast, story I hear, or sequential experience I have on the thought or idea, my understanding and processing of that event or lesson has expanded. I am attempting to put forth my experience with an intention or message, but struggle to do this when there is a continual unfolding of context and developing interpretation.
I aim for authenticity and truth, yet my world of knowledge is growing, which is shaping my experiences into something… more truthful? I am continually uncovering aspects of my story that I was not anticipating to be revealed, as it is a truth I had not known, yet these insights resonate deeply.
For example; it took losing half my body weight to know that confidence comes from within and your relationship with your body is not determined by a number on a scale or size. And then, it took for a severe foot injury; crutching for 6 months of a year, being unable to run for 2 years, and completely throwing me off my routine and identity to find value in myself that was not defined by my physical body and physical abilities.
Currently; I am unravelling how since I was born I was told to be quieter, SMALLER, prettier, etc. Now realizing and how those engraved beliefs have shaped my actions. Im am continually growing an increasing consciousness of when and how I am being fed these messages of smaller, prettier, quieter, and not enough. Additionally, I am playing with the notion of how these messages aid to support the diet mindset that I have had for food. Since my first diet at 8 years old, I have 18 years of eating and food beliefs to challenge and work through; as simple as labelling foods as good or bad, or attempting to eat less.
I am also learning to drop labels with my body and engage in body neutrality. Loving myself for my soul, but limiting body turmoil or celebration.
These are all evolving thought processes, beliefs and engraved values that are being disheveled. And I am aiming to wrap up a thought and deliver it in a digestible 750 word post.
Every moment I am living with awareness and gratitude for my journey is morphing my perspective into something more developed and refined. Yet, at the same time the expansion of understanding also gives greater context which creates questions and thought development.
Gathering my thoughts and synthesizing them into a text is not easy. I am beginning to accept that this development and interpretation of my life will always be unfolding and the past events becoming novel experiences with every new insight gained. This website will be a constant outlet of my evolving perspective and comprehension and how my story fits within my belief of what life is.
I was not anticipating to encounter this shifting paradigm as aggressively as I have. The best I can do is write my truth today, and then write it again tomorrow and watch my evolution unfold.